I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
