I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
