I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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