I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
