he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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