I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
