I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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