My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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