I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
