How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I wish there were birth control emojis
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
