My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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