If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
MIDGETS
????
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
