I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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