Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
