did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
