Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
