I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
