I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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