I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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