i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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