I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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