He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
