Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
