haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
