just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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