Kiss
Puke
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
