Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
