Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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