I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
