Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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