my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
