I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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