Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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