I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
