Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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