Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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