i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
