All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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