Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
