when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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