The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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