Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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