So drunk, too bad you don't want this
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
