not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
