the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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