I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
