Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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