SEEEEXXX PLEASE
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
