can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
