My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
