You just made me feel so damn special
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
