The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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