The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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