My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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