Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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