Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
